Wow! I haven't posted on here in a while. I have been focusing so much on the store's blog. However, i have had tons on my mind the last week and I just needa vent. What better place to share my most personal feelings than the world wide web, right?
As you all know, life has been so outta control crazee lately. I opened the store about 6 weeks ago, Shane and I bought a house about 3 weeks ago, we will close on the house in about 3 weeks and we will be getting married in 5 weeks. I have definately definately taken on too much.
I feel like things are so completely outta control right now. If anyone knows me, I do not like NOT having control. I know that God has done all that he is doing to me right now to teach me and mold me into the person that he wants me to be. But, it is not the easiest process to say the least. I am not complaining about everything, okay maybe I am a little, but i know that all that is happening is all blessings. I know that these life changes are good ones. Still, it is hard and overwhelming and confusing and causing me to feel so many emotions that I didn't even know existed.
I am thinking of all of the regrets that I have with relationships near and dear to me. I am thinking of the influence that my parents have had over me during this life of mine. I am hoping that they are proud. I am hoping that they are ready to give me away. I am hoping that they can hold it together. I am hoping that I can hold it together. I am thinking how much I will miss the life of being their baby girl. Now, I am becoming someone else's. I am thinking of my baby bros. I am remembering all of those nights all three cuddled up in bed together watching movies. I am remembering all of the Christmas mornings and Christmas Eve nights. I am thinking that I am not ready to say good bye to all of that. I am thinking of my brothers' wives and who God has waiting for them. Wondering/Praying that it will be as amazing as what i have with Shane.
I am thinking of this guy, my best friend, who I will soon be married to. Thinking of the ups and downs, and all the way arounds. I keep thinking of what I'll say to him at the altar. I keep thinking that I want to be a spiritual, godly wife. I want to be able to take care of him, support him, and love him even half as much as he has for me. I am thinking that I don't want to make any mistakes whatsoever in our marriage. I know that is unrealistic but I do not want to screw things up.
I am thinking about God. I am thinking about my relationship with God, where I have been, where I will go, where I am now (not happy about that place). I am thinking about how badly I wanted to perfect my relationship with God before my wedding. I am thinking about how I wanted it to be at its strongest place before I was married. I know that that is definately not the case. My relationship with the Big Man needs a lil work, to say the least. But, God does know my heart and I know he knows I yearn for his presence and will in my life.
I am thinking about my friends. God those people. I am thinking that I don't want anything to change between us just because I am married. I am thinking how much they have been there for me since the age of 5 and this year especially. Thinking of the old days and that I will never be that single girl again. Thinking of those people who have shaped me and supported me and loved me no matter what.
I am thinking of the wedding. God i hope it's perfect. It feels like so much blood, heart, sweat, and tears has gone into this day. I want it to be filled with personal touches. I want people to leave taking a little piece of me and Shane with them. I want people to dance and have a good ole time. I want people to see just how much we love each other.
I just want to get through the next 5 weeks without falling to pieces. I just want to do it all right. I just don't want to mess things up. I want to hold it all together. I want it all to be perfect, no regrets. I also wanna soak it up and remember it because I will never get it back and after this part of my life, I will never be the same.
Sorry for the rambling. I hate that I got so personal but I just needed to get it out! I am blessed and I thank the Lord for all that he is giving me.
Happy Saturday!
ash
